Samantha, just Samantha (samantilles) wrote,
Samantha, just Samantha
samantilles

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Okies, I need to write this out before I scream from this pervading thought… and thinking about it I’ll probably go off and scream afterwards anyways, but it might take some time for people to empty out from around me so that I don’t seem as insane as I really am… *tis all a clever plot to convince people I’m only a wee insane*

 Okies, so for no particular reason, other than perhaps feeling a bit ignored, (but then again, being ignored is normal, but today it just felt odd) I really was in the need to call up someone, so I called up Jenny from Winthrop… it was sooo good to talk to her as I hadn’t talked to her since maybe March… why we don’t talk more is beyond me, but perhaps it is the masochistic tendency of mine to alienate everybody I’m close with.  So I called her and left a voice mail while waiting to get a cab to dinner tonight (I am in Chicago for American Model United Nations International Conference, for those few of you who may not have known).  And surprisingly she called back right as I was in line for dinner… so I stepped outside while I waited for my dinner to be prepared… *long story about how this restaurant was run, but basically we put in a bowl what we wanted them to cook for about 30 mins…* well, we start up on the Winthrop crisis going on with the faculty members, how we’ve been since we’ve talked, how it is we don’t talk to anyone anymore….

And then the bomb of the night hit… she said that she held a party for Tania, one of our mutual friends, and off the whim she invited Jeff… since none of ya know about jeff, basically he and I had it out repeatedly over the four years I was at Winthrop… Jenni and Cara were awesome enough to allow me into their crew, and from the first day Jeff was such the fucking asshole…  I don’t know what it is about me that just begged him to make fun of me and be such an asshole, but it was a rare occasion that he was ever a decent human being in front of me.  And I know he had the potential to be a good guy, because I saw it when he was with others.  And his assholeishness and my intolerance of it broke up the crew…  the girls sided with me on his being an asshole, and the guys for the most part were okay with it… and that was horrible in and of itself, but even after the crew had split up and we were no longer hanging with jeff regularly, he seemed to go out of his way to make my life hell… during one particular really bad bout of depression, he finally had gone too far, and I finally took him to public safety threatening harassment charges.  Fortunately for me my “intro to college” professor happened to be the assistant chief of public safety, so I at least felt comfortable coming and talking to him about it… and he sat jeff and I down, and I told him to leave me alone.  It wasn’t easy, and many had told him before to cool it, but between an officer and myself, he seemed to listen… I told him to just pretend like I don’t exist… he didn’t need to greet me when he saw me, try to be friends, or anything of the sort… just pretend I didn’t exist.  And since that meeting, end of my junior year of college, he followed that… by the time I graduated, I felt comfortable enough again simply to be around him without necessarily interacting, which was a big thing for me considering I wasn’t still *and not today* comfortable with dealing with other people from that harsh time in my life. 

 Well, so she was talking to jeff at this party, and she had said that she was simply talking about Winthrop back in the day, nothing in particular, when apparently all out of the blue, jeff comes out to say that he had been horrible to me.  No provocation, just apparently he needed to splurt it out or something…. And you know, that got me a little upset, because its one of the horrible chapters I was actually able to close, and maybe I’m just fearing something, but I feel like that book is being forced back open, and I’m not sure I can handle that right now… I mean, now is probably the most mentally healthy time for me to handle it, but I know I don’t have the confidence, the trust in either myself or him, or the energy to deal with this… plus it worries me that something else may be up… why now after two full years of absolute silence is he thinking of this?? Jenni thought that perhaps he was finally growing up, as he had been incredibly immature throughout his years of college, but it worries me to think that he’s thinking about it… its not to say he doesn’t have the right to, but it worries me… and I’m sure I’m paranoid about it, but I’m really worried that this is coming back and I don’t want it to.  I’m perfectly content leaving it as it is, forgetting that each other exist…  Jenni quoted jeff in saying something along the lines that he wanted to know what he could do to make it up… I was too much in tears to really have listened to what she said, and I’m not ready to call her back on it…

 Now, the matter is largely too complicated to explain coherently to anyone but myself, (I should know, because I’ve tried to explain it…) but this brings up quite a few issues, including but not limited to self confidence issues, reflections on my bouts of depression, and wanting or not wanting to hear what would be damaging to what little I have in my esteem…  on the one hand, I don’t want jeff to contact me because I took a long time and a lot of hard work to get where I am now, to have actually closed down that chapter in my life and managed to move on…. However the mere mention of his name seems to have proven that I dogeared that chapter for easy access…  on the other hand I do.  By doing so, I think it would show his sincerity about what happened between us, and a big step on his part on trying to grow up and move on, which is mutually beneficial, even if not readily apparent.  But by him doing so, I am then forced to reconcile what happened, make me think for the first time in a while what happened and question it.  I don’t know why he emotionally tortured me for four years.  But then again, I’m not sure I want to hear why… I don’t want to know why he felt the need or what I did to piss him off so royally to do such a thing.  Ignorance is bliss, and with the imperfect self that I am, am I really ready to admit and recognize yet another imperfection?  And then there’s the whole matter of forgiveness.  I know deep down that if I had done what he had, I would want to seek forgiveness…  and because I know this, I know I could not deny such a request should it come… I’ve already forgiven him, whether or not he asks… that was part of my moving on… but I don’t want to undermine the hurt and pain that I went through by readily forgiving without sincerity either.  It takes a big step for him, him of all people especially, to make that apology, assuming it ever comes.   But I also know that I cannot take this first step… how do you forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it? What am I going to do; just call him up randomly and say “I forgive you” without any reason behind it?? I can easily forgive him in my heart, but publicly is different.  Unfortunately, because I know about this, its caught in my head… I can’t get it out, and it will drive me nuts till either I forget about it in a few months or else he calls.  And this in and of itself is torture… since I received the phone call about 7:30 last night, I spent too many hours in tears… from the time actually on the phone, once again an hour later calling Kevin, most of that evening till I was sooo exhausted I went to bed before the rest of the staff….  Once more when I woke up, and periodically through the day just thinking of it, I’d let a single tear flow…  I wasn’t very good at concealing my emotions, though I also didn’t want to make an open point of it either…  Justin, the under-secretary-general, and overall good guy *not to mention downright gorgeous* noticed something was wrong when I was still on the phone call… I finally filled him in on the supershort reason today when we had relative privacy with only Tim, who is another great guy *and looks like Chris O’Donnell, so all good*  Later that night, I was alone on the conference floor after we closed down for the night, looking down on the Chicago river… then out of the blue, Joe, a staff member from Delegate Services noticed the extreme and probably most open tears of the night streaming down my face and tried rather unsuccessfully to cheer me up… unfortunately, there is soo much more going on than I could possibly explain that no matter how hard he tried, he’d never be able to give the best advice for the situation… don’t get me wrong, it was good to talk about it, and to share it with someone, even if joe and I hadn’t even talked before that evening…. We were two relatively strange people who had a thread of commonality with Model UN… but that’s the greatness of the staff… in four days we went from strangers to family *collectively hugs AMUN staff*

 So I went to bed that night, just absolutely mentally exhausted… and a few of the staff could tell I wasn’t in the highest of spirits, and I did get a few hugs in the short time I was in staff suite or down the hallway… *this is why I love AMUN—hug happy people!!* and I totally just crashed, physically, mentally, emotionally… my roommates weren’t in the room, so I could sob as loudly as I wanted and go to sleep at my pace, which was really quickly… throughout the night though, Javier *fellow home government staffer* came to the door to say good bye, (his plane was at like six am or something like that) and I got up to hug him byes, and then crashed once more, still pretty braindead…  morning was harsh though… I didn’t wake up to my roommate’s attempts, and she eventually called in Rene, the other undersecretarygeneral, to find out what was going on (if I needed medical attention or anything of that sort)… by the time I got up, dressed, and packed, I was an hour and a half late to move out, and I had skipped breakfast… but then again I hadn’t eaten much of my dinner the night before… it wouldn’t be till about four today that I had the chance to eat.   And I admit I didn’t help out much, but then again, I think those in charge were somewhat aware of my pretty visible unhappiness/exhaustion…. Lets just say in the ½ hour car ride we had from the hotel to the storage facility, I managed to fall asleep in the car, and rather than wake me up, joe let me sleep in his car till I woke up on my own *awwww*…  most of the day I’ve wanted just to take a nap… my eyes are still swollen from the tears the night before and today, and I’m really looking forward to my own bed with a shut door and no alarm clock…

(EDIT NOTE: written over a period of two days)

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